Rev. David Holwick ZE Family Improvement #2
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
September 26, 2004
Philippians 2:1-4
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I. How to have a satisfying relationship.
A. Everyone wants at least one.
1) Web-dating services did $313 million in business in 2003.
Two couples in our church got together using similar
services.
2) Look at the popularity of the internet matchmaking service,
eHarmony.com, with 4.5 million people signed up.
In a study of marriages resulting from their service,
12% say they are very happy.
61% say they are EXTREMELY happy.
And 18% say they have a PERFECT marriage.[1]
B. Satisfying relationships don't just happen.
1) High divorce rates - in the last 50 years, divorce rates
in the first ten years of marriage went up 150%.
In a chart done for a study of eHarmony.com, divorce rates
were compared for those married in each decade.
For example, for those married in the 1950's a certain
percentage had been divorced after 5 years, more were
divorced after 10 years, even more at 15 years, and
so on.
It was interesting that those who got married in more recent
Decades had steeper divorce rates.
Their "divorce curve" had a slope like the other generations,
but it started out higher and stayed higher.
It was also interesting that the slope never completely
leveled off - even some who had been married fifty years
were headed for divorce.
Some of you who recently celebrated your golden anniversary -
what was he really thinking?
2) But divorce is not inevitable.
C. Improve your relationships.
1) Minor personal changes can have a big impact.
2) If you have failed in the past, you can succeed in future.
II. Six secrets of satisfying relationships:
A. Communication.
2 John 1:12 - "I hope to visit you and talk with you face to
face, so that our joy may be complete."
1) We must talk to one another.
Newsweek released a statistic that said the average
couple talks to each other alone, four minutes a day.
The average couple spends 47 hours a week in front of the
television.
We spend about 30 minutes total in communication per week.
It's no wonder we don't communicate.
We don't even talk with each other.
2) Males and females communicate differently.
It is popular knowledge that women are better communicators
than men.
Women start speaking earlier, and they stay better at it.
Men just grunt their way through life.
Most commentators will tell you that women speak more
words per day than men do.
Some say the ratio is two-to-one, or even three-to-one.
One woman said they use twice as many words as men because
they have to REPEAT everything.
The reality is that BOTH sexes talk more than the other.
It depends on the situation.
Studies have shown that men talk more in public settings.
They are more domineering in conversation, and interrupt
more.
They have to prove they are men, and in charge.
Women talk more in personal settings.
Their conversation is more relational and less competitive.
They use conversation to foster intimacy.
#28423
So the real issue is not the volume of words, but the
context in which we share them.
Women, your man actually loves to talk - just not to YOU.
There are ways to overcome these different wavelengths.
a) Schedule time to talk about your issues.
b) Perhaps focus on specific areas so you are both on
the same wavelength.
3) Don't play psychological games with each other.
a) Pouting, silent treatment.
1> These are attempts to manipulate the other person.
b) Instead, share your concerns clearly and openly.
4) Evaluate your communication skills.
B. Consideration. Phil 2:4 - look to their interest. +1 Pet 3:7
1) Pay attention to how they feel, as well as what they say.
a) Involves courtesy and respect.
2) Degeneration is possible as relationship matures.
First year: Baby, darling, I'm worried about that sniffle you have
so I've called the paramedics to rush you over to Morristown
Hospital for a check up and a week of rest.
I know you don't like hospital food so I'm having special meals
brought in.
Second year: Sweetheart, I don't like the sound of that cough.
I've arranged for Dr. Martin to make a house call.
Let me tuck you in bed.
Third year: You look like you've got a fever.
Why don't you drive yourself over to Walgreens and get some medicine.
I'll watch the kids.
Fourth year: Look, be sensible!
After you've fed and bathed the kids and washed the dishes you
really ought to go to bed.
Fifth year: For Pete's sake! Do you have to cough so loud??
I can't hear the television.
Would you mind going into the other room while this show is on?
You sound like a barking dog!
3) Philippians 2:4 - consideration doesn't mean that your
needs are not important, but that the needs of both
of you merit attention.
4) Evaluate how considerate you are.
a) What are actions you have taken recently that show
consideration?
b) What are actions you COULD take that show it?
C. Compromise. Philippians 2:2
1) Every marriage has conflict.
a) You will not see eye-to-eye on everything.
b) God made us this way for a reason.
c) Coming to a common ground makes a marriage successful.
2) There are many areas that require compromise.
a) Vacations.
b) Holidays.
c) Finances.
d) Child-rearing.
e) Romance.
3) Inflexibility kills more relationships than infidelity
or alcoholism or abuse.
4) Evaluate your willingness to compromise. Phil 2:2
a) Compromise does not mean one side keeps caving in.
b) It means you work to have the same mind, same love,
same spirit and purpose.
c) You are a team.
D. Courtship. Prov 5:19, Eccl 9:9
Proverbs 5:18-19 - "May you rejoice in the wife of your
youth... may you ever be captivated by her love."
1) Romance and physical affection.
Marriage wisdom from third-grader:
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that
you never take out the trash." -- Dave, age 8
#19840
2) We must keep trying to "win" them.
a) Courtship shouldn't stop at "I do."
"If there was more courting in marriages - there
wouldn't be as many marriages in court."
b) Men often shift focus to their careers.
3) Don't just spend "leftover" time with each other.
a) Plan quality time.
b) Take evenings away from home.
4) Give compliments and build your spouse up.
5) Evaluate your romance together.
E. Commitment. Mal 2:16
1) Even secular world recognizes importance of commitment.
a) Was even the cover article for a news magazine.
b) Instituting "covenant marriage" is more popular.
2) Selfishness is a key problem.
a) Relationships are not just about happiness for me.
Paul Tournier, a Swiss psychiatrist, says this:
"So-called incompatibility is a myth invented by
lawyers in order to make a plea for divorce.
It is likewise just a common excuse for people to
hide their failings.
Misunderstandings and mistakes can be corrected if
there is a willingness to do so."
b) Both have to work at it.
1> Unselfishness is a mark of genuine love.
2> Do you demand your own way?
3) Bible teaches us to keep our commitments.
a) Even when we don't feel like it.
Lynne Kinghorn shares a story from 1939.
In a small town in Oklahoma, a young couple had been married a few
short and disappointing months.
He never dreamed there were so many ways to ruin fried chicken.
She couldn't imagine why she ever thought his jokes were funny.
Neither one said aloud what they were both thinking -- the
marriage was a big mistake.
One hot afternoon, they got into a terrible argument about whether
they could afford to paint the living room.
Tempers flared, voices were raised, and somehow one of the wedding
gift plates crashed to the floor.
She burst into tears, calling him heartless and a cheapskate.
He shouted that he'd rather be a cheapskate than a nag, then
grabbed the car keys on his way out.
His parting words, punctuated by the slam of the screen door,
were, "That's it! I'm leaving you!"
But before he could coax their rickety car into gear, the passenger
door flew open and his bride landed on the seat beside him.
She stared straight ahead, her face tear-streaked but determined.
"And just where do you think you're going?" he asked in amazement.
She hesitated only a moment before replying, just long enough to
be sure of the answer that would decide the direction of their
lives for the next forty-three years.
"If you're leaving me," her mother said, "I'm going with you."
#5496
b) Hang around with others who honor their commitments.
4) Evaluate your commitment to your relationships.
F. Christ. Phil 2:5
1) Jesus can give you the power to keep the other secrets.
2) The best thing you can do for your relationship is to
have Jesus in the center of it.
a) First he has to be in YOUR life.
1> Even better, he should be in both lives.
b) Then ask him to direct your relationship.
c) Both of you should seek fellowship in a church.
3) Evaluate the spirituality of your relationship.
III. Satisfying relationships are not accidents.
A. They take hard work.
B. Relationships with others are the greatest challenges God
presents to us.
C. They also bring the greatest rewards, so don't give up.
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SOURCES FOR ILLUSTRATIONS USED IN THIS SERMON:
Many of the key points in this sermon were borrowed from Rev. Clay Hilton's
sermon, "Good Marriages Don't Just Happen" Hilton is pastor of Mid-Cities
Community Church in Bedford, Texas. Sermon #16344 in Kerux Database. The
original inspiration undoubtedly came from a sermon by Rev. Rick Warren.
# 5496 "Going The Right Way," by Lynne Kinghorn, Chicken Soup Of The Day,
May 19, 2000.
#19840 "Reflections On Love By Third And Fourth Graders," in a sermon by
Rev. Adrian Dieleman, http://www.trinitycrc.org/sermons/~
rom12v09-13.html, July 19, 2001
#28423 "Do Women Really Talk More Than Men?" author unknown; from
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=299911
These and 25,000 others are part of a database that can be downloaded,
absolutely free, at http://www.holwick.com/database.html
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