Rev. David Holwick ZD "Setting Boundaries" series
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
September 21, 2003
Matthew 15:21-28
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I. How many hats do you wear?
A. My wife Celeste:
1) Midnight shift as a nurse at Welkind.
2) Homeschooling Josiah in morning.
3) Cleaning, cooking, washing, chauffeuring.
4) Youth program(s) in church, planning and conducting.
5) She was organizing the early worship music but decided
to get out of it.
B. David (me):
1) Sermon preparation.
2) Fill dishwasher twice a week. Maybe.
C. We cannot do it all.
1) But many of us try our best.
a) We feel we have to, or it won't get done.
b) We feel we have to, or people won't like us.
c) We feel we have to, until no feelings are left...
2) Burnout in churches.
a) Signs of burnout.
1> Loss of joy and desire.
2> Diminishing of energy.
3> Lack of fruit.
b) "I am more than what's happening at church."
1> Pastor got caught up in the lives of her members.
2> She accepted no boundaries and soon burned out.
D. Surprisingly - Jesus didn't do it all, either.
II. Jesus had a well-defined ministry.
A. It was finite and limited.
1) His goal: reach Israel with good news of salvation.
2) From the beginning he seemed to know he was headed for a
cross.
B. His boundaries were always being pushed. Matthew 15:21-28
1) In this passage, he literally stretched his boundaries.
a) This is one of the only times he left Israel proper.
b) The area of Tyre had been promised to the tribe of
Asher but they were never able to conquer it.
1> It was a Gentile area in Jesus' day.
2> Apparently he went there to hide - it was a secret.
A> Probably he needed a rest with his disciples.
c) Yet even here people with deep needs confront him.
2) Syro-Phoenician woman invades his boundaries with a request
to heal her sick daughter.
a) Jesus ignores her, then rejects her.
b) "Kids eat first, not dogs."
1> Sounds kinda rude, wouldn't you say?
2> Dogs were scavengers in those days.
A> Used of shameless women. (rhymes with "rich")
B> Gentiles were called dogs.
c) Behind the saying - Jesus was sent to Jews.
1> God's chosen people got first crack.
2> He was not out to personally save everyone.
3> He was limited by God.
C. Some boundaries can be stretched.
1) Jesus used a diminutive word for dog - a lapdog or puppy.
2) The woman played along with him - even puppies get crumbs.
3) And her daughter got her healing.
III. What is your mission from God?
A. We all have a gift - a task - to accomplish.
1) Key teaching of New Testament: spiritual gifts.
a) Every single Christian has a job to fulfill.
b) You may not be doing it, but it's there for you alone.
2) Use your gift enthusiastically. 1 Peter 4:11
a) Preach as if giving the very words of God.
3) Each has a part, no one does it all.
a) (not even pastors)
B. Luther and Reformation on secular callings.
1) The principle applies in the working world and not
just church.
2) "Whatever you do, do it with all your heart." Col 3:23
a) Work as if you were serving Jesus.
C. Maybe you can do more than you suppose.
1) God will give you strength for what he has specifically
called you to do.
2) Assess the impact on your life.
3) Look at your motives.
a) Does it serve God or just you?
b) Is NOT doing something a concession to laziness?
D. Be realistic about your limits.
1) Assess your impact.
a) Are you making a difference or treading water?
1> Is it bearing any fruit?
b) What kind of feedback are you getting?
1> Criticism is not a definite sign you should quit.
c) Are you doing something that gives you joy?
2) Delegate what you don't do well. Exodus 18:14-18
a) When Moses burned out, God taught him to delegate.
1> Moses even had someone hold up his hands at parting
of Red Sea.
2> The church has lots of people so each can do a
little.
3> Families, by definition, are two or more.
A> Spread the wealth of duties.
b) Bring them to Jesus.
1> We are his "hands," but his work is not limited
to us.
IV. Problems with personal boundary issues in the church.
A. Many needy people attend.
1) They may act like you, and only you, can solve all their
problems.
2) We must be careful not to encourage dependency.
B. Servers who cannot set boundaries tend to practice avoidance.
1) But we can serve others and still meet our own needs.
2) People will only take advantage of us if we allow it.
C. Discernment is a better approach.
1) It is dangerous to be a "servaholic."
2) Jesus considered the needs of others as he kept his
boundaries.
V. What our boundaries reveal about us.
A. Jesus' boundaries reflected his deep love for the outcast.
1) Others criticized him for this.
2) He didn't care how others evaluated him, but about what
God called him to do.
B. We each have unique boundaries.
1) Let God define you, not others.
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SOURCES FOR MATERIAL USED IN THIS SERMON:
Key ideas in this sermon (and the series) are from "The Road Toward
Wholeness" by Mary Tuomi Hammond, Judson Press, 1998.
Other ideas were gleaned from various Discipleship Journal articles.
(see below)
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Discipleship Journal #111, May/Jun 1999.
"DEALING WITH DEMANDING DISCIPLES"
by Rebecca Livermore
Explore the Scriptures together for examples of the consequences of selfishness (Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5, Achan in Joshua 7, Haman in the book of Esther) and the blessings of generosity (Dorcas in Acts 9:36-41, the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31, the good Samaritan in Luke 10:30-37).
It is also critical that you clearly communicate boundaries. Many demanding people are that way because no one has told them it is inappropriate behavior. Let the person you are discipling know where you draw the line (for example, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't call during dinner because that is a very important family time for us").
There is no quick cure for a demanding disciple, but as you communicate boundaries, model servanthood, give her opportunities to practice serving, and as you pray for Christ to transform her, you may be glad you didn't give up.
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Discipleship Journal #108, Nov-Dec 1998
DISCIPLING: WHEN NEEDINESS IS CHRONIC
by Mathew Woodley
Most people involved in discipling other will eventually meet someone who is chronically needy. Deeply wounded by life, these people can grow dependent to an extreme on more mature Christians. They almost seem to enjoy their spiritual "stuckness." Because they require so much time and energy, such people can easily frustrate and burn-out the most well-meaning disciplers.
How can we minister to chronically needy Christians without feeling chronically tired and used up ourselves?
1. PRACTICE CHRISTLIKE ACCEPTANCE. Even the people who drain us the most are precious to Christ. He died for them. It's easy to gripe or gossip about needy people, but I can not imagine Jesus gossiping about those lepers or that needy Gerasene demoniac. Jesus loved them, and He loves that person you are discipling.
2. COMMUNICATE CLEAR BOUNDARIES. Needy people will demand far more then I can possibly give. I try to remember three simple principles for setting boundaries.
I must take the initiative. If I don't, they will innocently assume I am always available.
Boundaries must be specific, clearly defining when I am available and when I am not ("I'm sorry, Carl, I can't talk to you during dinner time. Why don't we talk for 30 minutes after our small group meeting?")
I must gently verbalize my boundaries and then lovingly stand my ground.
3. PURSUE SERVANTHOOD, NOT SUCCESS. Ministering to the chronically needed requires openness to "failure." I may take all the right steps and still see little to no fruits. Servanthood, not success, is my calling.
4. Keep encouraging spiritual growth. I like to support small steps of spiritual growth by asking two questions: What goals can you set for your spiritual growth (Assumption: You don't have to stay stuck)
What gifts can you share with others? (Assumption: Even the needy can minister other.)
5. CONNECT WITH OTHER RESOURCES. I can't do everything for a chronically needy person. This forces me to turn to others for their wisdom and experience.
6. KEEP BRINGING THEM TO JESUS. I've spent hours talking to deeply wounded people. I have prayed for them, but I haven't spent enough time praying with them. Prayer is not a quick fix, but it does bring them into the healing presence of Jesus.
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Discipleship Journal #92, May-Jun 1996
DO YOU NEED TO SET BOUNDARIES? A QUICK CHECKUP
by Kevin A. Miller
Have you reached the point where helping others is hurting you? Give yourself this quick checkup. If you are experiencing several of these symptoms, it's time to slow down, step back, and catch your breath. Even the most dedicated missionaries need furloughs.
YOUR TIME AND CONVERSATIONS ARE CONSUMED BY MINISTRY. "I knew it was time to set boundaries," a friend admitted, "because I felt 'overpeopled.' Every evening there was some meeting, some expectation. I was over-meetinged."
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE, EVEN IF YOU WANT TO SERVE. This is stronger than a feeling you just don't want to serve; you don't feel you can serve. Greg, an active Christian in his early 50s, was fostering a child, his oldest daughter began causing conflict, and his job was demanding a lot from him. "I was burned out," he remembers. "I literally felt nothing toward my daughter, my wife, my job. Nothing. I was an emotionless shell."
YOU FEEL PERSISTENTLY TIRED OR RESENTFUL. When the tiredness lasts, watch. Friends of ours have a great gift of hospitality and throw the most creative parties. But before they invite someone, they ask, "How is our mental and physical health?" "I once lost my voice due to stress," that friend remembers. "If I'm tired or sick, I can't minister very effectively."
YOU NO LONGER SEE FRUIT FROM YOUR SERVICE. One woman served in her church nursery for six years. What an achievement! Think about all the babies she held and comforted. But after six years, she said, "I realized I was physically and emotionally to the point where I wasn't doing the kids a service." She knew it was time to rest.
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Kevin A. Miller
WHERE DO WE FIND THE STRENGTH?
Although I try to set healthy boundaries for my life, God sometimes calls me to risk. If we are followers of Jesus, there are going to be times when we love people so much, we care more about their needs than our own.
On occasion we may do something "foolish," outside the normal boundaries, because we feel God is calling us to. That doesn't undermine anything I've already said. It's simply a reminder that the Christian life is an adventure. To live it, we are going to have to depend on an adventurous, powerful God. He is the only true source of strength. He is the only one who can ultimately keep us from burning out.
Psalm 121 reminds us, "My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber" (Psalm 121:2-3).
Burnout is a real prospect. But the miracle of a Christian life is that we don't cross our mountains alone. We find help from the God who made the mountains. He will help us across.
Normally, you will want to stay squarely within the protective boundaries Jesus established. But there may be times when God is saying to you, "Call that lonely woman you met. Invite the couple for dinner. Join that group; it needs a Christian influence."
You may feel, "How, God? I don't have the strength." But if God is calling you, you will find His miraculous strength will carry you.
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Discipleship Journal #60, Nov-Dec 1990
BALANCING COMPETING DEMANDS THE MYTH OF THE BALANCED LIFE: AN ALTERNATIVE VIEW
by Paul Stanley
I've met believers who are models of the "balanced life."
Their giving flows out of a beautifully balanced budget, and their lifestyles include all the right activities to develop balance. Their priorities undergo tough appraisal to ensure they are "properly" weighted. Even their service to Christ is balanced to carefully include "enough but not too much."
But I wonder: Are people who strive for balance in their lives following Christ, or a value system concocted by the elusive "experts"? Have we elevated "balance" to a place never intended in Scripture?
JESUS: A LIFE OUT OF BALANCE
Under the commonly held concept of the balanced life, Jesus was often out of balance. He missed meals, worked long hours, and seemed to have many short nights. We find Jesus getting up early to pray when He probably could have used the sleep (Mark 1:35). He even spent forty days praying and fasting, to the point that the angels had to minister to Him.
Yet as we read through the gospels, we don't get the impression that Jesus was always pressing Himself and His disciples to the outer limits, continually neglecting physical rest and nourishment. It is interesting to note that it was Christ-not the disciples-who was concerned about the hungry five thousand.
How did Jesus decide when it was time to minister and when to rest? His statement in John 4 gives us a clue.
Jesus and His disciples, on the way from Judea to Galilee, were tired and hungry when they stopped in a small Samaritan village. Yet Jesus set aside His needs in order to lead an adulterous Samaritan woman to the "Living Water." As His disciples joined Him by the town well, they were concerned about His need to eat, but He wasn't. Christ responded, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work" (John 4:34).
Jesus determined when to eat and when to abstain, when to work and when to rest by seeking His Father's guidance. Christ's drive was not to achieve balance, but to do the will of the Father.
OUT OF CONTROL
Sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, not a conceived "yardstick," must determine our priorities as well. The goal in life is never "balance" but rather doing God's will to the fullest, with all the energy and time God gives us. Like Jesus, we too will sometimes devote a disproportionate amount of time and energy to one area as we listen to and obey His Spirit.
God never intended for us to live "balanced" lives, with all aspects under control. While we may prefer to live within self-defined boundaries that allow us to be safe and in control, following Christ more often requires risk. We need to be willing to be "out of balance" so Christ can lead and use us where He wants us.
Faith begins to grow when we sacrifice something in our month y budget to give a little more than last month, especially when it is focused on a need the Spirit has revealed. Dependence on Christ's power meets blessing when we step beyond our comfort zone and give time and love to people around us . . . even when it takes resources we may not think we have or time we've intended to devote elsewhere. It seems that most of the work of the kingdom is done by overworked believers with average gifts and few earthly resources. Perhaps these laborers don't know about balance yet.
WHOSE AGENDA?
Spending years with Eastern European and Soviet believers changed my life in the area of balance. They were always "out of balance" by anyone's measure. Food supplies were erratic, persecution was unpredictable, and change was constant. As a result, they did not worry about tomorrow but focused on fulfilling His will today. They knew God would take care of the rest.
And He did! None of them ever starved (though they often ate a lot of one food) They had adequate clothing. But most of all, God was powerfully working in and through them. A ways giving and sharing, these believers saw God answer prayer, change lives, and fulfill promises.
The Apostle Paul challenged the Ephesians (Ephes. 5:15-18) to live wisely, "making the most of every opportunity"; not to be foolish, but to "understand what the Lord's will is." If we worry and think too much about "balance," it is easy to fall into an agenda that stifles the Spirit's prompting.
Somehow, we must trust that God is at work in us and that the way He is moving in our lives is part of a larger movement in the world. As we respond to His Spirit, God reveals to us the steps we are to take toward fulfilling His will . . . and this may pull our lives out of balance. Very often it is in these "out of balance" times and circumstances that God teaches us new and vital lessons because He has our attention. After all, when do we call upon the "Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace"? When we are "out of balance." He also works through us because our faith is alive and we are thrust into dependence on Him (2 Cor. 12:10). His power shows up best in weak people.
Let's model our lives after those who followed Christ in the New Testament. They were abandoned to God's will at any cost and allowed God the freedom to pull them out of balance anytime. As a matter of fact, they anticipated it. Most of their lives were spent drawing upon Christ in their "out-of-balance-yet-in-His-will" state. True growth and adventure with Christ takes place in "out of balance" living.
Here's wishing you a wonderful out-of-balance life! ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
PAUL STANLEY, a former missionary in Europe, has been with The Navigators for twenty years and now serves as international vice president.
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Discipleship Journal #7, Jan-Feb 1982
Centuries later, another woman approached the Lord to lay claim to his justice. In Mark 7:25-30, a Syro-Phoenician woman asks Jesus to drive a demon out of her daughter. He replies at first that he has come at this time to help only the Jews. But the woman persists because she believes with all her heart that God's goodness applies also to her. And Jesus heals her daughter.
Both the Shunammite and the Syro-Phoenician woman passed up the temptation to indulge their genuine hurt. Instead they risked rejection, embarrassment, and possibly even their lives for the sake of those they loved.
It is questionable whether either of these stories could happen in twentieth-century America. As Christopher Lasch points out, self-centered "therapy," rather than faith, has become the religion of modern "psychological man."
Even when therapists speak of the need for "meaning" and "love" they define love and meaning simply as the fulfillment of the patient's emotional requirements. It hardly occurs to them . . . to encourage the subject to subordinate his needs and interests to those of others, to someone or to some cause or tradition outside himself." 5
We must acknowledge the authentic, merciful help given individuals by government, business, and the helping professions. These have performed near miracles in raising the quality of life in western civilization. It is the spirit of the age Lasch deplores, the mindset that expects life to serve our every self-centered emotional need or whim.
Lasch may be warning us about the last days when "people will be lovers of themselves" (2 Tim. 3:2). But whatever the implications of Lasch's criticism, the Christian knows the voice he is to follow. Jesus said, "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it" (Luke 9:24).
Commenting on these words of Jesus, German theologian Jurgen Moltmann has written, "To give up one's life means to go outside oneself, to love, to expose oneself, and to spend oneself. In this passionate renunciation one's whole life becomes alive because it makes other life alive."
In the ancient story of a woman of Shunem, God has given us an example of one who modeled this passionate renunciation. Let us too-as disciples of Jesus-go outside ourselves to make other life alive.
Copyright © 2024 by Rev. David Holwick
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